JIMTE
by DrIvoRobotnik
Summary: Or Things certain Alliance personnel are no longer allowed to do at Joint Inter-species Military Training Exercises.


Author Tip:I didn't make this with one specific character in mind. Feel free to guess who can't do what.

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Humanity is a strange race. Even their military personnel is not immune. No where is this more evident then at the Joint Inter-species Military Training Excercise between the Alliance and the Council Races...

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Requisitions will not order me a M-6 Carnifex Hand Cannon simply because the Krogan make fun of my "tiny" M-3 Predator.

The only thing Asari personnel need to enter the command center is proper identification. They do not need to submit to a strip search.

I am not allowed to use my sidearm to shoot pyjacks.

The cannon barrel on a Mako is not a sideways stripper poll.

I should not tell Krogan that Jurassic Park is a historical documentary.

I am not allowed to sell Krogan ownership titles to velociraptors.

I should not tell Krogan that Mad Max:Beyond Thunderdome was how humans "used" to settle arguments.

I am not allowed to help Krogan build a Thunderdome of their own.

I will not make comparisons between Krogans and Barney.

Especially not to their faces.

The Mako does not double as a bouncy castle.

I am not the Space Pope.

Or Galactic Space Emporer.

"Does your sister work at Purgatory?" is not an appropriate question to ask an Asari commando.

I should not mention to an Asari Matriarch that I'm "into GILFs."

I should not tell military personnel of other races that Captain Crunch runs Alliance supply.

I may not accuse any superior officer if they've been doing Red Sand.

I am not allowed to drag race Alliance Makos against Tomkahs.

The same goes for Hammerheads.

I am not allowed to use Makos to squish pyjacks.

The call sign for the Salarian general is Kilo Delta Six. Not "Kermit One."

The call sign for Asari command is Alpha Charlie Four. Not "Blueberry HQ."

I will not refer to any Asari as "squidheads."

I will not call any Turians the following nicknames: Big Bird, Tweety, Donald Duck, Woody Woodpecker, Falco, or Chicken Little.

"Bubble Boy/Girl" is not an appropriate nickname of any Quarian personnel.

Neither is "jarhead."

I will not use "Short round" as a nickname for any volus personnel.

The name of the Asari medic in our squad is Specialist Y'Menni, not "Doc Feelgood."

It is inappropriate to ask an Asari Naval captain if she ever worked at Afterlife.

"I hate everyone in this formation and would space them all if I could" is not an alliance approved cadence.

Neither is "Humans über alles."

My command doesn't want to know why I have an inflatable varren in my room.

Nor does it entitle me to spouse allowance.

Challenging a Krogan to a duel of honor is a bad idea.

Even if I have a tactical cloak, I am still required to wear clothes.

Cryo ammo is dangerous when handled improperly, and I am not allowed to use it in pranks.

I am prohibited from driving a Mako.

I am prohibited from driving a Hammerhead.

I am not allowed to use the motorpool for varren racing.

Even if I were to give my command a cut of the winnings.

I am banned from the motorpool. Period.

Entering a headbutting competition with a krogan is a fast way to the morgue.

If I'm under the command of a superior officer from another race's military, the correct response to their lawful order is "Yes Sir/Ma'am" not "There will be a reckoning for this injustice!"

There is no "Volus Communist Worker's Party" and I am not it's Supreme Chairman.

I am not allowed to trade my CO to the Turians.

I will not convince Krogan that N7 infiltrators can create yummy jerky with just their omni-tools.

Biotic abilities are to be used in combat, not to give airplane rides.

I am not the high priest of Chuckanorissism. Nor is it a real religion.

I am not allowed to convert Krogan to Chuckanorissism for a small fee.

I cannot trade my M-8 Avenger for magic beans.

I cannot sell magic beans to Vorcha.

I should not tell other races that intelligent space spiders are secretly in charge of the Systems Alliance military.

It's rude to offer birdseed to Turians as a snack. Even if it's dextro based.

I will not attempt to convince Salarians or Asari that the Systems Alliance is hiding prothean technology in the septic tanks underneath the camp latrines.

I will not ask Asari personnel if they want to see "the Prothean in my pants."

I am not allowed to convince Krogan that pelvic thrusts and grunting are how humans secretly greet each other.

I am not allowed to teach the song "Napalm sticks to little kids" to any more Krogan.

I will not trade Alliance military secrets to Turian Intelligence in exchange for sexual favors.

The Alliance is not planning on replacing the Turian Primarch with a monocle wearing varren, nor is it an "Alliance military secret."

The same applies to "building cyborg monkeys to take over the universe."

I am confined to quarters whenever Admiral Hackett comes to visit.

I am not allowed to convince Quarians that they are actually living in a virtual reality simulation while their physical bodies are being used by Geth as organic batteries.

The Turian commander does not want to hear "the song of my people."

I will not call any of the Krogan "Mr. Hardknocks," no matter how much any of them may remind me of my dead turtle.

Blue paint, two coconuts, and a dead squid are a poor disguise when attempting to infiltrate the Asari camp.

I will be court martial-ed if I ever attempt to sneak into the Asari shower rooms.

It is wrong for me to convince any of the other races that humans prefer to rush into battle naked. Especially the Asari and Krogan.

Rounding up and releasing a hundred pyjacks in the joint forces operations command center is a bad idea.

I am not allowed to show off any "tricks" I learned from N7s or Krogan.


End file.
